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How do I help someone who isnt ready to be helped?
For one, I'm single :( Just recently. I dont know why, I dont know what happened, he wouldnt tell me. He still wants to be friends. *rolls eyes*
Still unemployed but I'm thinking of moving away from Newport, I have no reason to stay here now I'm single.
Doing quite well with my Open Uni course, just signing up for the next module, got one last essay to do with this module and then its over. Will just have to wait for the final results, around Christmas time.
I've decided that I want to stay single for a while. I think it'll be good for me, concentrate on me for a bit. I dunno, maybe i wont be single for long, knowing me lol.
I guess I knew that we were going to break up and I guess at the end of the day it was what i wanted. but it doesnt make it any less painful. Im going to miss him.
I got a corn snake at the weekend. Its name is Alex. lol (my other half love A Clockwork Orange, and because he kept calling it alex de large, it stuck, so its Alex de Snake instead lol)
Tomorrow Im out for most of the day. Job centre, food shopping and ill go gym aswell. Then I get to walk up that lovely hill all the way home.
I get to see my boyf again this weekend. And we're both eating healthy so itll be nice to be able to cook for him. Ive already planned most of the meals for the two days. Friday evening when he gets here, its going to be Pasta, Veggies, and tuna. Saturday and sunday breakfast is going to be poached egg on toast, might do scrambled one day instead. Then Sunday before he goes im going to cook him pasta, with veggies, and chicken. I should really get into the habit of cooking like that for me, but its just me and i really cant be arsed with it all. It seems pointless to me. But i know i really should. I just need to get into the habit of doing it, either that, or cook once or twice a week and just make lots of it and portion it out into meals. That might actually be an idea....hmmm
Anyway.... Im off, got a book i wanna read :D
Laters!
- Mood:
blah
LOL i totally didnt know what day of the week it was this morning. We had a bank holiday yesterday, so it felt like a weekend, but for some reason i woke up this morning thinking "its wednesday, ive only got today and tomorrow and then i get to see my baby!" (my baby being my boyfriend, not an actual baby) So when i realised that i was sorely mistaken i was a bit annoyed.
Anyway, I dragged myself all the way to the gym again today, it was bollocks, i barely did anything. 10 mins on the bike (burnt 92 calories) 130 sit ups. i only stopped cos i felt sick.
i seem to have eaten fuck all today yet ive almost reached my calories for the day. Ive had 1 chicken soup, 2 slices of mixed grain bread, 2 packets of snack a jacks, scrambled eggs. its bloody ridiculous. or maybe that is a lot. and i just think it isnt. I dont know.
I got to wondering if it was all worth it. apparently, given what ive lost in a week, according to calorie count, im set to reach my goal my the end of august. NEXT year. just over a year to lose 60 odd pounds. i dont fucking think so! it doesnt bloody take that long to put the fucking weight on! and i know its easier to put the weight on than lose it, but its so infuriating!
Calorie counting, calorie deficit. muscle ways more than fat. blah blah blah. all ive got going round my head these days is "dont eat that" "eat this" "eating that will equal this many mins on the bike/treadmill/cross trainer" and i know in the long run it will all be worth it, and that ill feel fabulous, look better than i do now. its just shit!
Ive got spots all over the place, ive got so many stretch marks, ive got wobbly bits on my already wobbly bits. my period seems to have done a runner, well not completely, but my body is definately telling me that it hates me for having gone on the injection.
It will be worth it in the end right? my other half better appreciate me after all this. dont get me wrong, he loves me as i am and thinks im sexy. but if all i get out of it at the end is "well i thought you were sexy already" i may just cry. or batter him. hehehe
Im just having a bad week. On a plus note. im getting my hair cut on friday. :D new me, needs a new hair cut.
Anyway, before I go off on one again, im going to call it quits for today, plus i need to move my foots gone numb from sitting on it lol
bye bye for now guys! catch you all laters! x
- Location:my desk
- Mood:
bitchy
Right, where to start....
Very briefly, the first 10 years of my life, i moved around a lot. (dad was in the sevices) when I was 10 we moved to london, were we stayed until i was 16. then we moved to Malvern, until i was 18, then i moved to gloucester. and then I went away to uni just before my 19th birthday.
Moving to Malvern was were things started to go wrong for me. about a year before we moved, we went away on holiday. I met a nice guy out there, who said he really liked me, he took me out on my last night there. He raped me. not in the normal way, i was on my period so thankfully i was still a virgin, but he did it anally, i kept saying no, telling him i didnt want to. he wouldnt listen. I never told my parents that. I didnt really realise that it was rape until a year later. I always knew that it was wrong. but when i started dating my first real boyfriend, I realised.
When we moved to malvernI started to suffer with depression, i had my first thoughts about self harm then as well.You see, up until I was 10, i had always moved alot, always made new friends, then when i went to hidh school i was with the same people for 5 years, i had constant friends, then we moved away and i had to start all over again. It was difficult for me, loosing those friends. I got new ones, but its wasnt quite the same, I didnt have the wacky banter, stupid debates, endless dicussions with these new friends, I loved them as much as the ones from high school, but it was different, they all knew each other inside out. Do you understand what i mean?
It was the first time I started to put on a lot of weight as well. I went from a UK size 12 to a size 16 in a matter of months. It was horrifying! I felt so fat. and useless. I lost that weight eventually when i went away to uni.
Ah uni. How much fun that was. NOT! I suffered terribly with depression and self harming. It was unbearable. I was there from 2005. I was careful about my self harming, it was a control thing. I kept it to one place on my body, keeping everything clean and covered. It was then that my sleeping became and issue. I hated the day time, I never got up until gone 3 or 4. and stayed awake until gone 6 every morning. Night time was the time I liked to be awake. When everyone outside was asleep. When everyone else couldnt get to me. I didnt go to uni much after the first two months. Needless to say I failed the first year. And ended up trying to resit. Which I also failed. So, I tried a different course. I got a permenant job in a wetherspoons, i worked several days a week. My self harming was limited, I still did it, but not nearly as often. I went out more, I socialised, I began to feel better. Then I met Mike. Dear God that was the biggest mistake of my life.
December 2007 i met mike. I was bowled over by how he treated me, he was so nice, he sat with me for hours just talking, he never wanted anything from me. So we started dating, and he got really serious about me we went out at the weekends a lot. he looked after me and my housemate when our house got broken into. I started to stay at his more and more, got to know his family etc. By april, he'd convinced me to quit my job, told me he didnt like me working nights, he had me moved in to his room. You have to understand that I was probably at my lowest when i got together with him. I wasnt self harming as often. But id convinced myself that I wasnt worthy of being loved, of being happy. Mike started to show another side of him during March. He knew about my past, about me being raped. and my aversion to anal sex, but he convinced me that i would be quite safe with him, then towards the end of march, he raped me. He did it both ways. and then when he realised that i was crying he told me off for being so stupid. After that, sex was always on his terms, I never got the chance to say no. He got abusive, verbally mostly. He accused me of cheating on him (when?! he never let me out!). By july I knew that i had to leave him, but how? I had nowhere to go until august, when we were due to move into our own place shared with two of my mates, and i didnt know if i could actually do it, i was scared about my safety more than anything. Plus I didnt know how to function without him by that point, after 7 months how that was possible I dont know, but please remember I was at my lowest with my depression. Half way through July we had the biggest row, about moving, and a lot of other stuff I dont want to go into. But the end result was him strangling me, he told me he wished i would die. I should have left him then and there, but it was 2 oclock in the morning and I was in the middle of nowhere with no transport or anything. Things were difficult after that, as you can probably imagine. I knew that in two weeks we'd move out. The first day there he started an arguement with me over my friends. He never really stayed in the bedroom, prefered to be downstairs, thankfully him staying away from me, meant we didnt have sex. After two weeks of this, I was suffering terribly. I couldnt think straight, i didnt know what to do. My OCD was taking over, i cleaned. and cleaned and cleaned some more. finally, half way through scrubbing the dinning room carpet, I realised I had to get out, but i didnt know how, or when. So, I rang my mate. I left a note for Mike in the kitchen, figuring that would be the first place he'd go when he woke up. My mate came and took me out for dinner, and then we went back to hers and watched a few episodes of two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. By the time she got me back to mine it was just gone midnight. The resulting arguement was nasty. But it was the trigger I needed. I told him it was over. If it hadnt have been for my mate i know that things would have been different. But at the beginning of august I was free.
I saw him maybe twice after that. spoke to him a few times on msn, always him begging me to take him back etc etc. but i refused. I found out later, that he'd been cheating on me, several times.
In september, I met my current boyf, I told him everything. I hadnt planned on falling for him, I hadnt planned on even thinking about having a boyf for a few months. But on my bday, we got together. and i fell for him. head over heels as they say. and its may now, 8 months later. Ive not self harmed in a year. my depressions getting better. I have my low days. and my very low days lol. but my other half helps me. And i have a few issues with whats happened to me. I can hear you all saying, wasnt it too soon after your ex, etc etc. But I couldnt help it. I didnt do it on purpose. It just happened. And Im glad it did. I ended up loosing the house I lived in, moving to newport, and Im still unemployed and living in a bedsit, but Im happy. and in love! and im loved back.
Just need to lose this damn wieght and itll be even better.
THis is everything that happened. To go into everything that happened would take far to long. and i dont want to dwell on it. Its the past. It happened. I cant change that. But im here now. and im working on getting a better life :)
Well thanks for reading if you did. Normal blogging will resume shortly :P
- Location:At my desk
- Mood:
contemplative
So Monday equals weigh day. and i dreaded getting on the damn scales in the Gym. But I did. and heres the results.....
Weight = 78.8kg or 173.7lbs
BMI = 29.2
Fat index is 31.8
Fat mass is 25.0 kg
Sooooooo.... weights gone down, but fat index&mass has gone up :S
Now thats probably due to the junk I ate over the weekend (Bad Caz!!!) But Ive lost weight! :D im so happy
And i burnt off 227 caloires in the gym alone.... that doesnt include the walk there, or the up hill walk back.
Now Mondays challenge... I ve decided to try and set myself some challenges each day... and todays was to try and drink about 2ltrs of water before bed. I've neeearly drunk 1 litre. So its not toooo bad. Its going to be my mini challenge every day this week, to see if I cant get into the habit of drinking more water.
I'm happier today than I was yesterday so thats good! Ive only eaten breakfast, which is bad I know considering the fact that it is half 4. But im going to cook in a bit. meat veg and potatoes i think. dunno though. might not have the potatoes.
Anyway! Ill probably post again later today.
Catch ya later!
- Location:Sat at my desk :)
- Mood:
content
*sigh* today hasnt been that great on the food front.... two ice creams. a weight watchers beef hot pot, three slices of bread and some weetabix. two red bulls, and two cups of tea. no water. and no fruit or veg! Its hardly suprising i keep putting weight on! *sigh*
And tomorrows weigh day :(
Ah well. Gym tomorrow. mostly cardio. im going to aim to do, well a lot of cardio. im probably going to hurt after. and then theres the walk up the hill after. but, its all worth it right?
So, thanks to one of my friends on here, I found this new website Calorie Count. And i think its amazing! im going to try and update it everyday. Like this.
Currently, Im reeeeally hungry, but im trying to tell myself that im not. Its not going so well though.
I did 60 sit ups last night, and have yet to do them today. Boo. :-(
Today has not been good at all. :-(
- Mood:
frustrated
either that or we'll all turn on each other and blow ourselves up with nuclear weapons.
But the superflu zombie thing would probably be more fun lol Ive probably seen too many films... but seriously. we've got more chance with that to survive. underground bunkers, tins of food that dont go out of date for like 5 years, make sure its near a natural spring or something. bottles of soda etc. wait it out, and then start all over again. back to the basics.
Hmmm who knows. Im just bored. and wanted something to do lol
Im sure you all know what I mean. You have those days were you just wonder why? why everything? why bother? why get up in the morning? why do this? what do that? I guess its just one of those days. I guess I'm just fed up with my life at the moment. No money no job. no job which means no money. no money to go out and do things. The highlight of my week these days is going to the shop to talk to the woman in there. and then seeing my bloke at the weekend (that would be the highlight of my week anyway) but Im not seeing him til next weekend. Its been two weeks. And its been hell!
All I want these days is a job. So that I can have money to pay the rent, buy food, go to the gym, and have some left over for a new top, a pair of shoes, even a new sodding bra! Or just money to put aside and save for that rainy day everyone goes on about. But no we're in a recession. and I have to be understanding that its hard to get a job. Well Ive got news for them, it was hard before the fucking recession! and its damn near impossible for me now! And I cant get any training cos i'd have to pay for that... with what? the measly £50 a week im meant to live on? Well I'm fed up! I'm fed up of people not giving me a chance. Youre too young, not enough experience, blah blah blah! Give me the fucking job and then I'd have the damn experience! But no. GROWL.
Anyway. As for weight loss. Yea thats going well. Not. I was meant to go to the gym yesterday, but because im not sleeping, i'm too tired to do anything. And im on that time of the month, so all i want to eat is things that are high in fat, high sugar. all that stuff thats "bad for me" well it seems damn good to me at the moment LOL! I'll try and be better this week. Promise. I am going to do situps today. so it wont be a total loss. I'm even going to try and get to 200 situps. My best is 120/130 i think. I remember a day when I used to be able to do 250 in one go. Damn that seems like a different lifetime.
I'm not sure I've really told you all who I am. And whats brought me to where I am. Maybe I will. I dont know. Maybe itll put you all off. Not sure who this "you" im talking to is lol cept for the friends I've got on here at the moment. LOL Thank you by the way. those of you that have added me so far :-) Tell me what you think. Should I put my story up here? What do you think? Let me know. Please. :-)
- Location:Bedroom.
- Music:Guns 'n' Roses - Chinese Democracy
Well, this journal is going to be a mixture of both weight loss entries and just general rants and moans, observations and general day to day stuff. :-)
I just had to ring a job that i applied for last week, to see how my application was going, had to leave a message though. It just sucks when companies dont reply to let you know how your application did. I mean, i applied for a job in Primark two months ago, they kept the ad up for ages, I think it only came down a week or so ago, even though they had hundreds of applicants (their words not mine) I went in about two weeks after I gave in my application form, to ask how things were going, and they said "they are still going through them all, we've had hundreds" so why keep the damn advert up then??! I went back in on tuesday nearly two months after I first applied, and they said oh sorry they already taken someone on, so i guess you werent successful. Well no shit, but it would have been nice for you to send me a letter, or an email just to let me know that i was successful. Five years ago, you would have been sent a letter saying
"Sorry on this occasion you have been unsuccessful, you details will be held on file for six months, thank you for youre interest in the company"
Or something like that! It was common courtesy... I mean, i know that now people are worried about damaging the rainforests. but a simple email to those that have one would be nice! and a letter or phonecall to the rest...! its not difficult. they dont even have to personalise it...it could just say "dear applicant" It just really annoys me.
So anyway, i'm really hoping to get this job, I want to come off JSA, 50 quid a week to live on. Thats what the government says we can live on. Yea maybe if you still live with youre parents and you dont have to pay rent or food... but I have to pay
- rent
- food
- phone
- gym membership (discount because I'm on JSA)
- travel
Now I can hear you all saying, dont go to the gym. but i have to, i cant go jogging and i cant walk too far, i have bad hips and back, so walking on concrete causes me pain. Going to the gym means i can work out on equipment designed to take stress off youre joints etc. Plus i get free swimming and classes, which means i can get out the house and mingle with other people. Im sadly lacking in friends these days. the only ones i talk to are on the interent, and they dont always come on. I just moved to newport last novemeber. But because i dont have a job, or money I cant go out and meet new people.
Im pretty sure this entry is all jumbled up and doesnt make much sense. Ill probably go back later and edit it. lol
Anyway bye for now :)
- Location:home - where else?!
- Mood:
cranky
Well today is day Four. Ive had my first thermobol, and two small pieces of toast (that 50/50 stuff, trying to get out of the habit of only eating white bread, but i hate the taste of brown bread lol) Not drunk nearly enough water though, very bad, i even got a 2 litre bottle so i could keep track of how much water im drinking, and i havent even drunk half of it in three days! Very bad. I'm trying to limit the amount of tea im drinking as well. but i miss my first cup of tea in the morning! Boo!
Im going to do some ab work today i think, a few sit ups (at least 100, 120 is my best so far) and then use the ab toner thing i "borrowed" from my boyf. (just over a week and I get to see him again! im so happy about that, the last two weeks have been tourture! :( ) I need to do some stretches every day as well, but its kinda hard to get into the habit. I know what I need to do, get up take my thermobol, have a shower and then do some stretches, then have my breakfast once Im dressed. but its getting into the habit of doing it.
Blah. I feel so useless some days. its crap. and i HATE that my clothes dont fit! But I am loving the fact that I like going to the gym! Except that theres a bunch of 14 year old girls that go around the same time Ive been going that hog all the equipment, only they dont use it properly! which REALLY pisses me off! Im sat there, red in the face sweating, working my ass off, and they stand round giggling, barely doing anything, chatting up the guys that go. They wear make up, to the GYM for christs sake!! Its a gym girls, people are here to work out and get healthy and fit, and tone up (and lose weight!) It really gets on my tits!
Growl.
Well thats it for now. Hopefully I'll remember to write again later. with what ive done today, and what ive eaten. I may even take some current pictures of me, how i look, but I dont know if I'm ready to share them yet...or even see the true extent of how big I am.
Laters! :)
- Mood:
aggravated
So, Day three....
Yesterday wasnt so good I had an essay due so I didnt get to the gym like i wanted, but I did walk into town and back, so it wasnt a total loss. and the walk home is up hill.
Today I went to the gym for an hour, used the step machine thing, the bike did some sit ups and worked on my legs a little bit.But it was mostly about cardio today. Im hoping to get to the gym again tomorrow. but i might leave it, cos ive got to walk to my boyfs mums house, and its about a forty min walk.
As for food...i have major cravings for chocolate at the moment. trying desparetly not to give into them, but its not working out so well lol just as well i dont have any chocolate in the house. I might have a hot chocolate later see if that helps any lol
Well i think thats it for today....unless i think of something later
Bye for now :)
- Location:Home
- Mood:
tired
This is my first entry on here and I figured I'd make some of my entries about my goal to lose weight and get fit :D
Its a tough process on your own, so I could do with some online friends to give me encouragement. :D Plus I thought that maybe this would help out other people. who knows?
I'm using a maximuscle programe (well ive adapted it to suit me) I'm taking thermobol for 30 days, as well as promax diet, in a calorie controlled "diet". The idea is to eat little and often, and exercise often, doing cardio vascular and weight training.
Anyway....
May 18th. First real day of my plan.
About 45 mins in the gym. Whoop. and i walked there and walked back.
Weight - 12st 7. BMI 29.2 .
GOAL WEIGHT = 9st.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:Madonna
